holes

I’ve said I’ll come out of this stronger. I really believed it. But now I’m having my doubts. What if I sink deeper? I’m fighting and fighting, but maybe I’m trying to do too much alone? Maybe I’m not fighting hard enough. Maybe it’s as simple as being with people. As simple as going out and switching to a normal day job right now. Like in the next two weeks. It doesn’t even matter what. I suppose I’m supposed to be strategic at this age, with all the waste that’s already been perpetuated, but I can’t wait around to make the ‘right’ move. And classes don’t start for another two months. I look at a typical day here, and think, holy shit. I’ve really isolated myself.

I’m in this place and I have to work really hard to attempt connection, and it doesn’t seem to be happening. Not really. I work at getting out and making friends, and I’ve met a few nice people – and giselle is strong; but there’s something missing too. I can’t stop trying, I know I could be trying harder, but at what point is there supposed to be a payoff? And at what point is it just no fucking good? I think that’s what makes that loss with J so hard, because, even with that borderline’s idiosyncracies and flaws there was connection there, on many levels – or maybe I’m fooling myself on that too? I just know that it felt good. It felt good having someone in the other room while I read in another, it felt good to be challenged and to challenge, it felt good to explore the city and make it ours. Maybe his disappearance reveals that there’s nothing here for me.

I’m so embarrassed to keep writing about him, but it’s bigger than about him and his absence. there's no doubt that his vanishing left a vacuum, but I think his presence may have allowed prolonged avoidance of other issues. I think his being there just masked this larger hole that was there all along. And with him suddenly gone, here it is, black and deep and in my face.

So i have this fucking hole, and i don't know what i'm supposed to do with it.
do you fill it up? with meaning you construct? or is that the same as covering it up? or do you just let it be and go about your business, just marking the location so you don't fall in? or do it gets smaller and less forbidding over time? staring down into it sure as hell doesn’t seem to be helping. Or maybe that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. maybe you have to stare it down until you stop crying. Or until you just accept it.

but everybody else has holes. what are they doing with theirs?