outside looking in

taking my pulse now, I feel myself moving outside – holding on to jeff, and to all the good things about him, all the great things, and dismissing the major dysfunctional component which I don’t want to see, because it throws all the rest away. but it’s that one component, that is the critical part. without that part working, nothing will work, so it’s pointless to obsess over it. acknowledge, yes, that it's a tragic horrible waste, but don’t live there. nothing can live there.

then reading the paper and falling prey to the published images of ‘successful’ attractive couples with their children – families living some 'dream', and me comparing myself. feeling left out. that’s what i'm going to call “outside looking in” thinking. not being part of the show but watching it and then grieving that I’m not part of it. but what about the opposite? or what about re-framing? that if these people are doing it, people are doing these things everyday, [they’re up on the water skis], why can’t I?

We need to get back inside. No outside looking in. Get back into the process.