Okay sweetie, you have to get this over with. You're obsessing about J. again, which is okay, it's going to happen every now and again, because you tend towards obsessive thoughts. And you’re going to have to continue to work away from that thinking. But i'm not going to let you keep going down there. You can't continue to obsess about and idealize something that isn't. It's pointless, and it's destructive.

But neither can we just sweep this under the rug. We're going to have to work through it. We’ll start with what we know. No doubt there were hidden parts of him and about the relationship that i didn't know, but there was a lot that i did know. I know that he was a good man, and that he made real efforts towards this. I know he was generous and had a good moral and ethical sensibility, and good values. He was whip smart, funny, he had eclectic and great taste. He reveled in my tastes and eccentricities. He was an independent thinker, disciplined, and creative [for a lawyer]. He had really interesting ideas. He was hot.

I also know he had strong misanthropic tendencies. He could be an asshole, [but i could call him on it, and he'd apologize]. Huge control issues [mostly with over himself], argumentative [fucking lawyer], stubborn, disciplined [see 'control issues']. No problem with the above. Everyone has baggage, and some of this i actually found endearing.

But sweetie, you know that there were bigger problems. You know there was always a feeling in the pit of your stomach that this could go either way. You know that his guardedness and isolation and the last minute cancellations were becoming systematic and steadily undermining the times that were intimate and shared and good. And you know, for some time, that it was becoming untenable,. And when you did find a sliver of an opportunity to confront these things with him, you know couldn’t call those moments ‘conversations’. You never got an answer. And you know that you couldn't continue like that honey. You know it was killing you. And this is months before he vanished. You know that you were rehearsing conversations and questions that you were afraid that you'd never get a chance to ask, but that were necessary to talk about. And you know he probably felt this coming, and that he couldn't continue the evasiveness. So the gaps became wider. You understood that you needed to be in a relationship that was a part of the world and not confined to you and him and miami beach and your apartment. You couldn’t be dragged into his sickness. You know that. And don't forget, ther'es something severely wrong, for someone with the qualities that he had, to behave so severely. So suddenly and in such an extreme manner. There is something larger at work with him, either external, but more likely, internal, which is beyond your control.

What confounded and gave hope was that he did make efforts at change. And he had made changes in his life. He had a cool relationship with his family, and a not-good relationship with his mother [a bad sign]; but he had reconciled and was on good terms with his father. He did make efforts and big strides in his communication with you. And he seemed to enjoy your company. Hell, of course he did. He said he did, and you know he did. He wanted to be in a relationship. He expressed this, he made efforts, there was no doubt about it. You’re not insane to think so. And it was a relationship, however ambiguously defined it, or rather, the course it was to take, was.

And that's what makes this so difficult. That his efforts, they weren’t enough. And that in the end his personal undertow was stronger, and that you were powerless to do anything. You couldn’t help him. And this is a waste.

So it's okay, honey, you can let it all out. Because in losing all the not-good in him, you also have to let go of the good that he came with. And you're human and it's not easy to let go of things that are good, and it's not easy to let go of bonds. So there’s nothing wrong with crying. Just let it all out. It is sad. It is painful. But honey, if he can't or won't get help; it can't be helped.

And don't forget how much good came out of this, sweetie. You opened yourself to all these feelings and you know what you're capable of. You now have a better understanding of what you want and need from a relationship. And even more importantly, you know that you can do it, and that you deserve it. You know that a challenging stimulating and warm relationship is something that you’re totally capable of, and that you do deserve to be loved by someone that you care for. Those are tremendous strides! You couldn't believe that to be true even a few years ago. And sweetie, those things you can't learn on your own, you need to be in relationship to understand. Think of how much you’ve gained from this. So much.

outside looking in

taking my pulse now, I feel myself moving outside – holding on to jeff, and to all the good things about him, all the great things, and dismissing the major dysfunctional component which I don’t want to see, because it throws all the rest away. but it’s that one component, that is the critical part. without that part working, nothing will work, so it’s pointless to obsess over it. acknowledge, yes, that it's a tragic horrible waste, but don’t live there. nothing can live there.

then reading the paper and falling prey to the published images of ‘successful’ attractive couples with their children – families living some 'dream', and me comparing myself. feeling left out. that’s what i'm going to call “outside looking in” thinking. not being part of the show but watching it and then grieving that I’m not part of it. but what about the opposite? or what about re-framing? that if these people are doing it, people are doing these things everyday, [they’re up on the water skis], why can’t I?

We need to get back inside. No outside looking in. Get back into the process.

M.F.A. v. O.M.A.

the two poles or paths that keep coming up. the one, and then the other, as well as its variation, back and forth, on and off.

thankfully p brings it back to earth, and says that 1.) i’ve been invoking those two ideas for years [which is embarrassingly true] and 2) so what do they represent? what do these things mean to me? maybe they represent two forms of fulfillment; the embodiment of two aspects of the same desire?– one as a way to practice architecture (MFA), the other as a way to practice art (OMA). and no, the flipping of the two is not a mistake.

more to explore here, but, the persistence of these two things – again – twenty years later and they still have resonance. what does that mean? and what do i do about it?

the part of the phone conversation with p where he's helping me figure out how you go about your business in presenting yourself without giving the

slightest hint of crisis.

the part of the phone conversation with eran where i'm trying to address my crisis without going into it

last night to p

my reflex would be to ask if i'm pathetic. whether you think i'm pathetic. and that's another hole, the one i've dug myself. and here is where i tell myself that it doesn't matter what you think. and that i have to trust you, and you have to trust me. that i'm getting somewhere with this.

funeral home

now i'm just heading directly towards crazy, and i have to be stopped. i'm not only mourning and wallowing in all my past losses, but what's fucking retarded is this mourning of anticipated and future losses, before i've lost anything. when the fuck did i become a mortuary? enough of this shit. really.